is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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