Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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