sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
