Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
