Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
40s are totally the cure
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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