I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you inspire me to be a worse person
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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