hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
