I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
