I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
