Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
