he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
