Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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