i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
