Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
