I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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