Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
