In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
