captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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