I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
