I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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