I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
