I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
