I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
