And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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