I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
