i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
