my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
