I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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