i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
