I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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