Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
