I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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