As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
