she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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