shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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