Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
