i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
