The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
