Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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