I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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