Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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