I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
