I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
