Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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