Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize