I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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