And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
