I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
