so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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