I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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