I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
