Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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