all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
