i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
