So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
